I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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