I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize