U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
