Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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