Taylor Swift is so right about you.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
