i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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