nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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