Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize