Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
