hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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