my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
