you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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