I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
