I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
