I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize