Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
