he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
