cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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