LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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