First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
