I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
