I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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