Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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