I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
