Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
