Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
