um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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