Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
