my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
