I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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