I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
