I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
