I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I have aggressive nipples.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
