she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
