she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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