just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
