just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize