is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
