Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
