His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
