I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
