yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
