i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
