i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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