Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
