Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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