I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Couch. On fire.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
