I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
