May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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