My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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