you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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