My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
