last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
