I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize