hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
