Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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