i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
